Enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

[Enneagram Type 4] Relationships between Type 4 & 5

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist) with. Enneagram Type Six (the Loyalist) These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship. Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist) Fours and Sevens bring to their relationship the charge and mystery of their differences—that they think so differently. Relationships between Type 4 & 5. Thoughts? . Telling a 4 to stop being so sensitive is like telling a 7 to stop having fun. 4's believe that.

This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them.

Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.

Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. The prospect of a relationship with someone sets off their mapping and planning, and the relationship gets projected well into the future, with infinite possibilities appearing just over the horizon.

So they are suggestible in the sense of being easily swayed and impacted, as well as in the sense of being easily propelled into myriad fantasies by or about a relationship. The passion of gluttony appears here in the many attractions that Sexual Sevens tend to have and in their difficulty in forming deep, long-term contact with one person.

Family Naranjo originally used the term 'family' for Self-preservation Seven. Ichazo's term, defenders, captures a different nuance of the same style: Self-preservation Sevens try to assure their survival through banding together and taking care of others who they feel an affinity or connection with. They become patriarchs, taking care of their extended family. Self-preservation Sevens share the amicability of their Six neighbors, appearing magnanimous, supportive, and fatherly.

The passion of gluttony appears here as a hunger for tastes of anything that seems to promise survival, whether ideas, theories, nutritional support, plans to get rich quick, and so on. Sacrifice Social Sevens are characterized by relinquishing their personal freedom and aspirations for social ideals.

They have a profound sense of obligation toward others and feel that they must sacrifice themselves to fulfill what they see as their responsibilities. Their sacrifices are in the service of a future that they imagine and make plans to realize - a future that promises to give them the sense of belonging, social acceptance, and social standing that they lack.

The passion of gluttony manifests here as a hunger for this sense of social ease and for all of the things that they believe will give it to them. Ichazo per Lilly and Hart uses the descriptor social limitations and describes this subtype as "predetermining his social activities," which highlights a different nuance of this subtype. It points the Social Seven's tendency to map and plan his social involvements to resolve his social insecurity.

The Soul-Child Of Enneatype Seven - Point 5 Wthin every seemingly magnanimous and happy-go-lucky seven is a very miserly, witholding, and withdrawing soul child -a little Five. She holds on to what she has tenaciously, storing all of her candy and her toys away so that the other kids cannot get at them and take them from her. Driven by fear of loss and an inner sense of scarcity, she feels empty inside and afraid that no more sustenance will come her way.

For all of a Seven's apparent gregariousness, optimism, and interest in life, this young place inside wants to hide from life and connect with it from a distance. This soul child can also be a nerdy little know-it-all who relies primarily on her intellect. It is likely that in a Seven's childhood, her reclusive, self-enclosing, and solitary tendencies were not allowed, and that she got the message that she needed to be more externally oriented and buoyant.

It is also likely that her mental skills got supported and developed at the expense of a more innate and intuitive understanding, turning her into a little egghead who felt disconnected from the other kids. A Seven's sunniness became a way of masking and defending against her inner sense of scarcity and of not belonging, not feeling part of the group or family and not fitting in.

It is very difficult for a Seven, with her need to be cheery, optimistic, and enthusiastic about things, to acknowledge this withdrawn, frightened, and reclusive young part of herself.

Alternative descriptions of Enneagram types

What feels the most difficult is the sense of scarcity that drives her soul child - the parched inner emptiness and dryness - which initially feels life threatening for a Seven to make contact with. The more she does not judge and reject this part of herself, the more the avaricious and isolating tendencies will transform, especially as her sense of being an ultimately seperate entity - and thus one who is cut off from the rest of existence - is challenged.

Her geeky, nebbishy, and bookish qualities will transmute into true embodied knowing, that of the Diamond Consciousness. As her sense of ultimate separation from being and from others comes into question, and her inner desert blooms with all of the flowers of Essence, her soul will truly know directly.

She will feel part of the Whole, understanding experientially that separation is impossible, and her okayness will be real rather than reactive. The Idealized Aspect Enneatype Seven: The Yellow The Essential Aspect of the Yellow is the experience of joy, delight, appreciation, and simple happiness. It is a warmth in the heart, which might be ebullient and bubbly or calm and deep.

Sevens want to feel this gentle happiness rather than their parched and dry inner emptiness. So they look for stimulating ideas and things to get excited about, and their style is one of appearing optimistic, enlivened, enthusiastic, and above all, okay. They try to plot their course toward whatever holds the promise of joy, and so mapping and planning are central to their process. Lacking trust in their natural unfoldment, they try to make their inner process conform to their mental map, which they hope will lead them to the treasure that will finally bring them happiness.

Driven by fear of how things will unfold, they always have backup maps and plans. They usually have many different things they are interested in and can get excited about, and lose their motivation when things get repetitive and difficult. Sevens often seem wired and mental, charming and talkative, but sometimes leaving you wondering where the substance is. The result is the Seven's wanting a little taste of everything in life but, because of her fear and doubt, not fully immersing herself in anything.

Like Eights, Sevens are stimulated and excited by all the things of the world, but because of their fear, the contact stays primarily mental and thus presumably safe. Eights are sensory oriented, and Sixes doubt their experience, so Sevens end up sampling a lot of things but questioning everything. Also, the Six's self-doubt, lack of confidence, and insecurity plus the Eight's drive to be the top dog, dominating and triumphing over others, result in the Seven's characteristic visions and grand plans for what she is going to achieve, a fraction of which she takes the chance to try to realize.

Type 8 Instincts Self-preservation 8: Satisfaction Eights are fixated on what they believe will bring them satisfaction of their needs, and they gobble up what they think they need, often at the expense of filling their real needs.

So the drive for satisfaction leaves little room to figure out what it is that they really require. Their insecurity about self-preservation manifests in dominating and controlling behaviors around what they consider their turf, and around sustenance and support - keeping watch over what and how much is eaten out of the refrigerator, for instance, or where exactly her husband is spending their money. The passion of lust manifests in the voracity of their drive for satisfaction.

While Sexual Eights can be overtly domineering, it is an attempt to cover their insecurity about being loved and desired.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

Both male and female Sexual Eights see relationship as conquest and want to hold the power in the relationship so that they don't have to feel vulnerable and dependent.

Female Sexual Eights want to surrender control to a partner who they see as worthy, and may make a passionate appearance of surrender while staying very much in control. The passion of lust manifests here as the desire to possess the body and soul of an Eight's beloved. Friendship Social Eights attempt to resolve their sense of not belonging by maintaining friendly social relationships.

Being a "buddy" is what Social Eights see as key to resolving their social insecurity. Friendship here is a very deep bond, one implying undying trust and loyalty, a sense of fraternity and being part of the same gang. An Eight's domineering and controlling tendencies manifest in the area of social relationships for a Social Eight. Breeches of trust or friendship might result in a vendetta and are not easy for a Social Eight to forgive.

The passion of lust manifests here in the passionate and possessive nature of these bonds with others. The Idealized Aspect Enneatype 8: The Red The Essential Aspect of the Red gives us a sense of aliveness, vitality, vibrancy, strength, and capacity. It gives us initiative and forcefulness, boldness and daring. Eights believe that strength is the answer, and so they attempt to control and dominate, to bully and overwhelm to gain a sense of it. They have little tolerance for what they consider weakness or deficiency, and so have difficulty with "soft" feelings, especially pain and fear, both in themselves and others.

Imitating the Red, they engage life with gusto and passion, forcefully and aggressively going after what they want. With the need to be in charge and take the lead, they have difficulty not being the boss and going along with someone else's wishes. They are fighters for what they believe in, and just as the Red is the power to defend what is real, Eights are fierce defenders of what they consider to be the truth.

They seem to others large in energy, with a strong and powerful presence even when they aren't saying a word. Some Eights seem to have a perpetual chip on their shoulders, meeting life with belligerence and bluster. They have difficulty being vulnerable and receptive, tend to stay very much in control and in charge, and often feel energetically hard.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

The Soul-Child of Enneatype Eight - Point Two Within the tough and no-nonsense Eight who delights in testing her grit and that of others, dominating and controlling life, and triumphing over any adversity lies a needy, clingy and lonely little Two-ish soul child who is desperate to be loved and held.

An Eight's soul child wants to snuggle up to others, getting as close as possible, and can be insistent and demanding about it.

Beneath an Eight's show of strength is this soul child who is filled with all of the emotions she considers weak- needing others, fearing rejection, insecurity, and a deep sense of sadness and loneliness. With the sense that her contactful and loving qualities were not wanted as a child, an Eight reacted by essentially saying "Fuck you!

She hid what felt like her vulnerable soft underbelly behind a veneer of callousness and in the process closed down her openness and receptivity. As an Eight contacts the defensiveness behind her pride and the sense of rejection and neediness that underlie it, it may feel as though her whole world will collapse. She has done everything she can to not experience these "weak" places in her soul and often feels she will not survive if she allows them to emerge. As she lets herself contact her neediness and pain, her heart can open again and her soul can become permeable.

She can be touched once again, and as she contacts reality with less and less of a thick and defended skin, she will gradually feel more connected with life. Instead of trying to wrestle life for what she needs, she will find her soul relaxing, melting and merging with her essential nature, whose honeylike nectar fills her soul in the form of Merging Gold.

Instead of fighting with reality, she will be united with it; and as she progressively surrenders more and more fully to his Being, she will find fulfilment and loving union rather than the capitulation she had feared.

The result is Ennea-type Eight's characteristic denial of anything that smacks of weakness and deficiency within himself. The utopian plans and dreams of Seven meet the inertia of Nine, resulting in the Eight's characteristic prejudice toward whatever he encounters - he sees what he wants to see, in other words, in a very entrenched sort of way.

Also, with his vision of how things could be, coming from Seven, and his external focus, coming from Nine, he demands that things conform to the way he thinks they ought to be, wanting all wrongs he sees to be righted.

From another angle, the Seven's hunger for stimulation plus the deadness to the essential realm of Nine leads to the Eight's lust for material gratifications and his focus on sensory satisfactions. Type 9 Instincts Sexual 9: Union Sexual Nines are driven by a desire for the love of another and for total union, which appears to them as the key to their happiness. Total merging with another is seen by Sexual Nines to be what they need to be whole. They tend to merge easily with others, losing touch with themselves in the process.

The substitution of another for what they really need to merge with - their essential nature - is the heart of a Sexual Nine's passion of laziness. Since this is the archetype of all the sexual types, this attempt to fill the hole left by loss of contact with Being with the love of another is shared by all of the subtypes that follow. Participation Social Nines have a drive to belong, lacking the certainty that they actually do. They lack a sense of ease in social situations, because of their sensitivity to whether they are really welcome or not.

They often feel that they don't know how to become part of the group, and, rather than being themselves, they try to fit n by emulating socially acceptable forms of behavior and communication. Inevitably this leaves them feeling that they are not really making contact, and so reinforces their sense of being left out. This attempt to participate through social conventions is how the passion of laziness manifests here, and in their resulting tendency to make superficial contact with others.

Appetite The focus for a Self-preservation Nine is on satisfying his appetites and hungers.

Enneagram Type 4, the Romantic: How do you know you are a Type Four?

His laziness, in the sense that we have defined it as the passion, manifests here in the substitution of the nonessential satisfactions for those that he really needs. At the deepest level, this shows up in substituting material gratifications for those that are really spiritual. An example on a more superficial level of this substitution of the nonessential would be eating a chocolate bar when what he really needs is a nourishing meal.

Also, as the word appetite suggests, Self-preservation Nines tend to overindulge, ingesting and acquiring far more than they actually need out of insecurity about receiving sustenance. The Soul-child of Enneatype Nine - Point Three The heart point of Enneatype Nine is Point Three, so a Nine's soul child first makes her appearance in a tendency to deceive and lie in order to present to another what will get approval. Like a little child who takes a cookie when mommy has told her not to, or plays hooky from school pretending to be sick, a Nine's soul child pleads that she did not do it and that she really does have an upset stomach.

Beyond the passion of lying, within every Nine is a young place that wants to be seen, wants to shine, and wants to be the center of attention. So there is a little show-off, wanting to do her dance and be applauded. Behind a Nine's self-abnegating tendency lies a drivenness and often a ruthlessness about succeeding - usually well hidden and pushed out of consciousness. Nines are often afraid of appearing too pushy and taking up too much space, which is the shadow of their soul child falling across their consciousness.

The focus on doing underlies a Nine's inertia, and often Nines are afraid that if they start an activity, they will become driven and not be able to stop. As a Nine allows herself to get in touch with this structure inside and its qualities, she will progressively experience herself as a more complete person.

Exhibitionist tendencies will transform into a sincere recognition of her personhood. She will see that being a person n her own right was not supported during her childhood, and so she became accommodating and self-absenting in order to get approval.

Reclaiming herself as personally valuable and lovable will lead her toward the realization of herself as a personal embodiment of Being, the Pearl Beyond Price, a radiant and luminous presence independent from the constraints of her conditioning.

She will gradually become free of any self-image or mental construct defining who she is, and be able to contact and interact in the world liberated from the sleep of the personality. The Idealized Aspect Enneatype Nine: Living Daylight Living Daylight is the experience of everything in the universe being made of love. It is the recognition of Being as what sustains and supports all of manifestation, and that our nature is inseparable from It.

It gives us the sense of being held by a warm and benevolent presence and connects us with the goodness of life and of ourselves.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

Nines believe that these qualities are missing and are what they need. So they want to be included, noticed, loved, and appreciated by others, and want to contact the goodness of life and feel that they are included in its bounty. They fade into the background, harmonizing with others and rarely asserting themselves.

They avoid conflict and try to keep things pleasant and comfortable both for themselves and others. Their focus is outward, on others and on the events in their lives. They are sensitive and open to the perspectives and points of view of others, and so mediate well. At the same time, they have difficulty determining what they think, feel, and believe.

They tend to have a fuzzy, amorphous, or slightly out-of-focus feeling about them. Strong instinctual drives arise at Point Eight and meet strong superego prohibitions at Point One. Of necessity, what results is a deadening of impulse and stalling of movement. These are very strong pulls in different directions - what often feels like a hopeless conflict - so Enneatype Nine goes numb to his inner life and becomes outer rather than inner directed.

Because of the profound and mostly unconscious inner discord, Nines set about trying to make and keep things harmonious, avoiding conflicts as much as possible. Update a gratitude diary first thing every morning and as a last thing every night. Know that when you envy qualities in another, these are your own unacknowledged qualities.

enneagram type 4 and 7 relationship killers

Remember that all things pass. Avoid lengthy conversations in your imagination, particularly if they are negative, resentful, or even excessively romantic. Instead of spending time imagining your life and relationships, begin to live them. A healthy self-discipline takes many forms; from sleeping regular hours to working regularly to exercising regularly and has a cumulative, strengthening effect.

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